WARNING: THIS ENTRY CONTAINS SWEAR WORDS

I’m sure every past generation has felt this way, but kids these days are stupid, and BrokeNCYDE fans are proof of that. Blending the shite-in-their-own-right genres of crunk and screamo (seriously), BrokeNCYDE have latched onto the innate thickness of nowadays youth to become a wholly unwarranted success. With faux-hiphop lyrics about “getting crunk”, “drinking 40s”, “smoking chronic” and “fuckin’ bitches”, it seems a little ironic that their fanbase solely consists of underage virgins and that the bandmembers themselves are the least gangster troupe to ever get blonde highlights. On an instrumental sense, the band combines the worst bits of contemporary trendy styles – screamo screeching accompanies Kanye West-style autotuned ‘rapping’ to unimaginitive synth-heavy beats. Horrible stuff.

So why did I watch them live last Saturday? The answer is simple – when the world as you know it is imploding and everything is wrong, it’s just ignorant to close your eyes and pretend nothing’s happening. The economy is going down the drain, global warming’s evaporating the seas, we’re all going to die in the war on terror, and the future of popular music lies in the hands of a generation of kids who think that BrokeNCYDE are good.

I went out of morbid curiosity, I guess. Like watching Jeremy Kyle placate a heavily tattooed skinhead husband arguing with his tarty wife over whether she slept with his brother when he was in jail, watching BrokeNCYDE is almost life-affirming, in a ‘everyone else sucks so much more than me’ kinda way.

Outside the venue I asked a female fan why she likes the band. Apart from that “they’re fit” she couldn’t give an answer. Because there’s really no reason anyone sensible should or could like them. Musically, they’re tripe. Ideologically, they’re a void. It seems their success is built on their cool haircuts, trendy dress sense, the fact that teenage girls like anything that other teenage girls like, regardless of merit, and the fact that teenage guys will like anything that lets them hang around girls.

Bizarrely, it almost felt like the band was on my side. It seems like they know they’re talentless, and they know their fans are stupid, and they relish in it. Their newest album is called “I’m not a fan but the kids like it”, which is simultaneously the most true and most depressing thing I could say about them.

Admittedly, if I were in a band that made big bucks without having to learn instruments, write good lyrics, or be in any way talented, which played off the pliability and easily persuaded nature of trend-following emo kids, I’d be loving it too.

There’s been a lot of hubbub recently about these dudes calling themselves the BNP. From what I can gather from their public appearances, they’re some kind of ironic, improvisational, satirical comedy troupe. Their act seems to be playing on this notion that there’s a brain-dead contingent of the British public willing to vote for an entirely reactionary, openly racist, openly homophobic political movement because they’re annoyed at their local MPs claiming bath plugs on their expenses.

Sorry, my mistake. As anyone from the BNP will tell you, they’re not a racist or homophobic party. This is because while a racist party would campaign for the removal of all non-whites from Britain, the BNP are instead campaigning for the removal of all non-whites from Britain. And while a homophobic party would campaign for the complete abolishment of the right to be publicly gay, the BNP are instead campaigning for a complete abolishment of the right to be publicly gay.

Now, in my position as an expert provider of football opinions, I’m not too well versed on politics. But it could potentially seem to some that the BNP might be going beyond the kinda-acceptable-but-still-not-totally-my-cup-of-tea right wing attitudes of parties like the Tories and the English Democrats, and playing on people’s fears, political naivety, and general stupidity to promote a wholly abhorent and narrow-minded world view. But then I’m probably a liberal loonie, the likes of which are destined to drive this once-proud country into free-for-all orgy of multinationalism and inclusivism, rather than the traditional and much-loved British policies of exclusion, racism, and stupidity.

It’s a real pity that this election (which should’ve really been about European policies rather than at-home ‘issues’ like immigration) has been so badly skewed by the media’s obsession over expenses that people have made totally uninformed decisions at the voting booths. And it’s shameful that it’s us up here in the North who’ve given the BNP a platform to stand on.

I think my Tory-supporting friend summed it up best – “The BNP might have one or two good policies, but they’re basically a bunch of fascist t**ts.”

After noticing that this blog is ranking strangely well for the search term ‘football experts opinions’ (despite having no inbound links), I’ve decided to see whether it’s possible to boost myself a bit higher through the results for that particular term, with the eventual goal of beating giant Rupert Murdoch-funded enterprises to the #1 position.

After all, it’d be pretty brilliant if people looking for a well-versed opinion of soccer landed on a blog which not only fails to provide anything whatsoever about The Wonderful Game, but is actively aware that it doesn’t. It’s also a nice little SEO experiment.

So.. What are my non-expert opinions of football? Well, for one, I’m not a huge fan of most aspects of it. I like being outside, and I like drinking, but beyond that I’m not sure I’d fit in too well watching a game. I wouldn’t know when to shout, or what to shout. I wouldn’t know when to stand up and go ‘ahhhhh’ if the guy misses the ball or whatever, because I’d never see it coming.

I have been to exactly one football match in my life. It was Bury subs vs Manchester United subs, and I got the tickets free from primary school for some reason. I went with my Dad, my brother, and my Dad’s friend, with none of us being football experts, nor even fans. All I remember is that I was really, really far away from the pitch, and that I didn’t know what was going on. We eventually started shouting “Come on Kenny’s chair!” across the stadium, presumably because we didn’t know what else to do, and after a while some other guys on the other side shouted it back.

Perhaps football is all about shouting at the guys opposite? I don’t know. For an expert, I sure am uninformed.

Barcelona FC, Yesterday

Yesterday’s exciting football thing is over now, and Spain won! Congratulations Spain, don’t spend your £200 prize money all at once! But now that there’s no good footy news until September, so what are we to with our days? Well, contrary to popular belief, it’s actually possible to make it through these the long, boring summer months without going demented. This blog update will weigh up the pros and cons of these other activities. Perhaps you’ll find something you really love! Or perhaps you’ll just go into hibernation, like I’m planning on doing.

Getting Into Another, Non-Football Sport
Great weather and late evenings make summer the perfect time to get into cricket! Being into cricket is just like being into football, and you’ve already got all the equipment you need, providing you were watching the football on your own TV. The only problem with cricket is that games can last quite a long time, so you might need to stock up on tins of Carling and 20-decks of B&H if you’re planning on a full day of it.

Read a Book
I love reading, and summer is the perfect time to catch up on all the outstanding literary classics you’ve missed out on over those joyous, football-filled winter months. My picks of the season include Roy Keane’s “Keane: The Autobiography”, Wayne Rooney’s incredible “My Story”, and Sir Bobby Charlton’s gripping novella, “My Manchester United Years”. Broaden your horizons – read a book!

Visit Your Friends
What with all the football going on, it must be ages since you last met your pals. Why not give them a visit? Maybe they’ve got some taped football you could watch! And I’m sure there’s plenty to catch up on, too, so there’s no need to be worried about having nothing to say. They didn’t manage to catch that Bolton Wanders vs Wigan Athletic game? Voila – instant conversation piece!

Play Video Games
Video games will be the ‘de facto’ entertainment of the future, mark my words! The unparalleled excitement, interactivity, and state-of-the-art graphics of modern day video games allows you to step into alternative, breathtaking universes. And with some quite frankly groundbreaking games released recently, there’s a vast array of choices. Why not give SEGA’s awesome “Football Manager 2009″ a shot? And if you’re feeling up for something a bit more fast-paced, there’s always Konami’s “Pro Evolution Soccer” series!

I hope this blog post has inspired you to seek entertainment beyond watching eleven guys kick a ball about on the TV. There’s a whole world out there to be savoured.

..Until the World Cup Qualifiers, that is.

It’s finally here! Today is the day when the whole world’s population (except America, Asia, Africa, and some other places) sit on the edge of millions of seats, hoping and dreaming of the day their special football club can become THE ULTIMATE WINNER OF FOOTBALL. The game is being organised by UEFA, who are like FIFA except in Europe, and it’s been held in Rome, which is like Paris except in Italy.

Today’s match between Manchester United and a Spanish team is very important because it decides who gets to be the next champion of The Official League of Football. It will be a tense match because both teams are probably quite good and have good players. Both teams have famous guys in, like Cantona, except he’s not playing because he’s an actor now and he kicked a guy. I don’t know any of the Spanish ones but they’re probably famous too. Ronaldo? Is he Spanish? If he is he’s probably playing, so keep an eye out for him.

If you want this expert’s opinion, I’d say my money is on the Spanish guys. They’re playing somewhere hot so they have the advantage because Manchester United’s guys will be all tired-out and stuff because they’re only used to playing in England and they don’t go on many holidays because of all the footballing they have to do. In addition, when they say ‘offside’ and stuff (that’s when the ball goes off the side of the pitch) they might not understand because it will be in Italian. Also didn’t the Spanish guys already win once maybe? Or maybe that’s United.

Anyway, it’s guaranteed to be a thrilling match for those who understand football. But not me.

Iron Maiden’s “Fear of the Dark” played on a harp

..Whoa. Proper update coming soon – stay tuned!